The Dirty Sheet: Online Vol. 1

All the news you need, in one dirty little package.

Jose or Ozzie Conseco

TMZ reported that former baseball player Jose Conseco’s twin brother Ozzie was recently apprehended for a DUI. Ozzie has also played some professional baseball, but only briefly in the major leagues.
Punchline: It must suck to know that there’s another you out there that has achieved a lot more than you have. But it must really burn when that other person is Jose Consceco.

Greased Up Deaf Guy

Springwise.com featured an article on an Indian courier that only hires deaf people. India has one of the largest deaf populations in the world, but social norms have made it difficult for them to get work.
Punchline: Remember, you heard it here first!

Panties

Springwise.com also had an article on a Candian company called “Panty by Post.” The company sells panties, which are also available in a monthly subscription in which you receive a “panty of the month.”
Punchline: I don’t know about this. I signed up but when I put the used panty back in the envelope, they refused to send me a new one back.

Yahoo! news boldy ran a story about climate change in the year 3000. According to the article, if humanity stopped producing CO2 emissions this year, CO2 pollution would still be an issue until that time.
Punchline 1: Good thing that we only have 989 more years for someone to figure out how to combine a Prius with a Dyson.
Punchline 2: I look forward to checking on the validity of this study.

Many of us read our horoscopes everyday. But now, it turns out you may be reading the wrong sign, states MSNBC. A shift in the sky over the millenniums altered your zodialogical sign. The star doctors say Earth right now is in a totally different spot in relation to the sun and its equatorial alignment than it was 3,000 years ago.That's when the 12 zodiac signs were assigned. Those signs you were born into are now not really the same because the Earth's wobble on its axis means a nearly one-month bump in the stars alignment. Depending on whether you are on the cusp, your sign either changed or just moved a bit.

Here is the updated list:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

Punchline: Doesn’t it suck that the American zodiac was broken but the Chinese one is fine? But shit, who are we to question Asian math on MLK week?

WMCTV reports that 90 students at a Memphis high school became pregnant this school year alone.
Punchline 1: Hopefully at least one of these young gunslingers told his girl, “Hail to king baby,” before ruining both their lives.

Punchline 2: They’re just giving away A’s in human anatomy.
Punchline 3: Oh Matthew!

At Least it's Not a Dick Pic

And the last news thread in the dirty sheet comes to us by way of Gawker.com. The website reports that Bret Farve’s sister Brandi was arrested last week in a Mississippi meth lab.
Punchline: Sadly, Brandi could never commit to retiring from using illegal substances.

Portman: Ready to Murder Naysayers

Web Exclusive: Perezhilton.com reports that Natalie Portman's friends are concerned about her new baby daddy, ballet instructor Ben Millepied.

Punchline 1: They're concerned because he keeps asking to see her V for VISA.

Punchline 2: They're concerned because they've seen his White Swan and it's not quite as epically sized as a Black Swan.

Punchline 3: They're concerned because he keeps dancing around the big issues.