Online Dirty Sheet: Volume 2 (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE!)

All the news you need, in one dirty little package.

An American Football Team

ST. PAUL, Minn. - A sports bar owner in Minnesota showed his support for the Green Bay Packers in last weekend's game against the Chicago Bears in a very literal way — by roasting a bear. He planned to serve the meat to customers, but the state health department rejected the plan because the meat is unprocessed - The Associated Press

Punchline: Good thing they weren't playing the Washington Redskins.

"Bye-Bye Bitches!"

TAMPA, Fla. — A man in central Florida has been charged with child neglect after authorities say he let his 15-year-old son drive because the man was too drunk. The arrest report says the father told deputies he was too drunk to drive and didn't have money to stay at a hotel because he spent it all on alcohol. - The Associated Press

Punchline: So, it sounds like the kid was at the bars with his dad, matching every shot of vodka with a shot of 2% chocolate milk and an oatmeal cookie chaser.

Punchline 2: See, this is why Michael Jackson was such a good father. He would've had no problem staying at a hotel with a young boy.

Rare Photo: Happy Sam Jackson

YANGON, Myanmar — Two men have been arrested for allegedly trying to smuggle nearly 5,000 snakes from Myanmar to China. - The Associated Press

Punchline: When reached for comment, Samuel L Jackson's stated that his position remains unchanged on the subject of these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane.

MSNBC reports of a woman in New Zealand, who was partially paralyzed from a hickey. Doctors found the hickey on her neck near a major artery, and discovered a blood clot in the artery beneath the hickey had traveled to her heart and caused a small stroke.

Punchline: Also found at the scene was a Jonas Brothers purity ring.

Punchline 2: If this girl can't handle a simple hickey, what is she going to do when her boyfriend eventually drops his balls in her ass?

MACON, Ga. - A woman in Georgia recently received a post card, which her husband sent from New Mexico in 1958. - The Associated Press

Punchline: It's still faster than trying to send a picture message from an iPhone.

Punchline 2: A mysterious weather balloon was blamed for the delay.

Apple, Yum Yum

Cultofmac.com reports of a U.K. woman, who hung up on Apple when they called to tell her she had won a $10,000 iTunes gift card.

Punchline: That's one satisfied Zune customer!

Crocodile Dundee

KIEV, Ukraine — Gena, a 14-year-old crocodile at an aquarium in the eastern city of Dnipropetrovsk, has been refusing food and acting listless after eating a cell phone dropped by a woman as she tried to photograph the animal. The phone can be heard ringing from the crocodile's belly.

Punchline: The crocodile is so upset, it hung on on Apple when they called to offer it the rest of Captain Hook.